Pillow talk (or why men hate cushions)

My fiancé enjoyed his last therapeutic guest rant post so much, he’s back for more!

This isn’t a blog about men versus women. Or interiors addicts versus non interiors addicts. Or gay versus straight. This is simply a blog about practicality and function. About being able to use your abode for what it was always intended – living. Which brings me to a rather controversial topic: cushions.

Let me be tactful. Cushions… no. When you use cushions… no. Cushion usage… no. You know what, screw it – people, no matter who you are, what you do or what you like, you don’t need 20 damn cushions on your two-seater sofa! Or your king size bed! Or your… in fact, it doesn’t really matter, you just don’t need stacks of pillows.

I get the fact that some cushions are pretty. The aesthetics of a good pillow add to a room. That’s cool, I’m down with that, I bet Jay-Z has some pretty cool pillows. Maybe JT does too, he likes a good suit and tie after all. But any more than three on your sofa, or your bed, or anywhere else really, and I think you may be missing the point of what that piece of furniture was all about.

You see, a sofa is for sitting. A bed is for lying on. The floor is for walking on. A car is for driving. I think you get my point. You can’t do any of those things properly when you are being suffocated by cushions, no matter how pretty they are – even if they are pretty enough to justify leaving your partner for.

A case in point if you will indulge me. After a long day of work rattling on about the media and advertising industry (it’s what I get paid for), I come home with the sole intention of flopping in front of the TV to watch Air Crash Investigations. Nothing like some exceptional flying skills (or lack thereof sometimes) to ease away the pains of the day. But wait, as I go to take my seat in front of the TV, I unceremoniously slide down onto the floor in an uncontrolled flop until I am resting uncomfortably under the coffee table. Why? Because cushions, when in groups, become dangerous. Did you know the collective for cushions is actually ‘gang’ or ‘battalion’*.

*Fact may not be factual.

Let’s now move our discussion to the bedroom… not in that way. Keep it clean. There is nothing like the feeling of tucking yourself into some clean sheets on top of a comfortable mattress. But after you have taken 10 minutes to dismantle the pile of ornamental cushions off the bed and stack them properly on the floor or in a container, chances are you’re a little less relaxed than you were before the initial thought of hitting the hay snuck into your brain. Then there is the task of re-doing the cushions when you awake in the morning. “Nothing like a strong coffee, the newspaper and some cushion stacking,” said nobody, ever.

I have but one question for those of you who do this. Who is looking at your bedroom that often with such a critical eye that you feel the need to decorate your bed with a swarm of pillows? If you’re waking up to the sight of Neale Whitaker, Shayna Blaze and Darren Palmer judging you, then you’re doing it wrong… and perhaps not locking your doors securely enough at night. I once saw Darren Palmer roaming the streets looking for rooms to judge. True story*.

*Story may not actually be true.

Call me lazy, call me unstylish, call me annoyingly practical. But overuse of cushions is a disease that is quickly taking over Australia and creating mass panic. Let’s kill it off now!

Note from Jen: I feel compelled to share this clip from UK sitcom Coupling (I’ve shared it before) which sums up men and women’s attitudes to cushions just perfectly. Bloody hilarious!